My Pain

Last week I lost someone who I loved more than I knew.  She was with me when I moved out (or rather didn't move with the folks) and got my own place at 19.  She was with me when he left me again and again.  He gave her to me.  She was there when I had surgery.  When Grandma Minnie died.  When Buttercup died.  When Great-Grandma died.  She was there when that man came into my apartment.  She was there when I dropped my basket.  When I finally graduated.  She was there.  Happy for me.

There where days when I talked so much shit about her.  She couldn't understand where to go pee.  She liked to knock over my drinks so she could have some.  Leftovers, a favorite.  Out of the trash can.  Kicking me in the middle of the night because I moved and she lost her position in the bed.  My favorite pillow.  Waking me up at 2 am to go to the bathroom.  Separating me from anyone sitting on the sofa by kicking them.

She was the greatest.

I had to let her go.  I do not know the day, my family took care of that.  What I do know that she is not her with me.  And I miss her more than I thought I would.

Everyday is a struggle to get up and go to work.  To eat. To behave as if my life is normal.  I want her to be behind me.  Me talking to her to tell her where to go because she was completely blind.  Picking her up because steps bothered her.

I want my best friend back.  I want to hear her nails on the hardwood.  Watch her run into walls, furniture and anything in her path.  I want to feel her nose at night as she searches me out to make sure I am still there.  The scratching noise she makes at my parent's bedroom door because she loves their room!  Watching her maneuver my parents property blind from the back and make it to the front.  Hopping around in the rain because she hates rain!

The neurotic, loving, insufferable, lovable, moody and beautiful American Cocker Spaniel is physically not with me.

My heart will never let her go.

Sorry Y'all

This is where I am right now....

"I find nothing more depressing than optimism." ~ 

Paul Fussell

Hopefully I will come out soon...

TMI Tuesday...late...

Would you rather.....

1. Have eyes that always smile or a voice that makes people calm?
Eyes that smile...I am so over and tired of people telling me to stop frowning and I should smile more.


2. Have an affair and your partner catches you or your partner have an affair and you catch him/her?
Neither, either way hurts.

3. Have better sex or more money?
More money...sex you can maneuver.

4. Be able to read everyone’s mind all the time or always know the future?
Neither.  Too much power.


5. Your partner have sex with someone else or fall in love with someone else?
Really?  Such a stupid, hard and complicated question....no answer...


Bonus (as in optional): What one thing, big or small, would you change in your life if granted one wish by a lamp-bound genie? Why?
Not to be alone.

10 > 1.....

10 Things you wish you could say to ten different people
10. I am just not into you...get a grip....
9. I wish you could see your family is right here...learn about us and love us for who we are...
8. Pay me what I am worth damn it!
7. Old age does not give you the right to be cruel...yeah you can say what you want but remember feelings!
6. I am not sorry for being selfish....it is who I am...get over it
5. Keep fucking with my baby...I will give you what you deserve...bet on it
4. The workplace is not the venue to try out all of your different personalities...
3. I see why you lost your job...coming to the Labor Dept. smelling like a distillery...its business!
2. Take your big girl pill baby girl...time to be everything you are destined
1. I love you

9 Things about yourself
9. I play the tough girl....so sensitive
8. I am waiting for love...hopelessly
7. I am tired of doing it alone
6. Considering a sperm bank...don't judge
5. I neglect myself on a daily basis
4. I miss church...have not found one here
3. I am a nerd
2. I like the smell of Clorox
1. I never knew I was light-skinned until middle school

8 Ways to win my heart
8. Acceptance
7. Small things
6. Unconditional love...it is possible....
5. Respect
4. Understand the gift of family
3. When you see my load is heavy, pull up beside me
2. Encouragement
1. Your smile

7 Things that cross my mind a lot
7. Why do people always try to change other people? The greatness of humans is our diversity. Embrace it. You might learn something about yourself.
6. Making a comment about every single thing a person does makes me think of jealously. Someone is jealous.
5. What is my purpose?
4. Will my mask ever fall down?
3. Am I going to be the old lady with the dog?
2. Will I ever be happy with myself?
1. Why is everyone so angry?

6 Things I do before I go to sleep
6. Brush my teeth
5. Take the baby out
4. Fix water for the morning
3. Make sure that alarm clock is working!
2. Have a coke...I know
1. Have a long....long bath

5 People I couldn't live without
5. My Mom
4. My Princess
3. My Buddha
2. My Uncle Carey
1. Really that's it....

4 Things I am wearing right now
4. Old 911 sweatshirt
3. Old high school t-shirt
2. Aunt Dorothy's ring
1. Princess' old lounging pants...she has a Serena ass...can't fit!!! LOL

3 Songs that fit my life perfectly
3. All Cried Out ~ Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam
2. Yesterday ~ Mary Mary
1. Bleed it Out ~ Linkin Park

2 Things I want to do before I die
2. Kids
1. Love

1 Confession
My mask is up so much I wonder who I am most days....

Another MEME about The Moody Gemini

Ten random things about me...
10. I am a crier. Commercials, movies, witnessing people be mistreated...I will cry
9. I am a trained calligraphy artist
8. I survived an attack
7. A former 911 operator
6. Shy
5. I am tired of the party scene
4. Ready for a relationship...any takers?...do you know anyone?
3. Always worked in state or local government...no one else wants to hire me!
2. Middle child with Older child tendencies
1. A loner

Nine ways to win my heart...
9. Show me kindness
8. Do unexpected gestures
7. Listen...listen...listen....listen
6. Want me in your life
5. Have a close connection to people in your life whether it is family or friends
4. Always seek to improve
3. Keep the romance alive
2. Understand my need for space
1. Know that my love is unconditional

Eight things I want to do before I die...
8. Marriage
7. Children
6. Finish MA degree
5. Own my own home
4. Buy a house on a beach or lake...near H2o
3. Complete my research on my family
2. Own a bookstore
1. Have no debt (besides student loans because they are going to be there until I die...LOL)

Seven ways to annoy me...
7. Tell unnecessary lies
6. Be inconsistent
5. Don't respect me
4. Ignore your own needed self-improvement
3. Pick me up for a date and have NO plan, NO ideas
2. People who always say "whatever you want" or "I don't know" when asked a question...
1. Don't listen

Six things I believe in...
6. A Higher Power
5. Positive Thoughts = Positive Results
4. Karma
3. Myself
2. Time waits for no one
1. Never have regrets

Five things I am afraid of... (I like to say have a healthy respect for)
5. Horses
4. Failing
3. Disappointment
2. Never finding my dream job
1. Never learning how to let go

Four of my favorite things...
4. Books
3. Calligraphy pens
2. Guinness Draught
1. Office supply stores

Three things I do everyday...
3. Drink H2o
2. Walk the dog
1. Read

One person I wanna see right now....
1. Dorothy Louise Lumpkin Wier

My Random Thoughts....

^ How long has it been since I have seen a Mom sitting with her child as he reads?

^ I am so tired of sleeping alone.

^ I sometimes think there is a lot of freedom in being crazy. People leave you alone & allow you to talk to the people in your head.

^ Seriously - Seriously, your pants fastening below your butt is not a good look. It really isn't.

^ I really believe men are moodier than women. Truly I do.

^ I wish I was that type of person who can use people for what they want. I really want a new smart-phone. NOW.

^ Giving me your phone # while there is a female in the car is not a good look.

^ If 1 more person comments on my weight...I will bitch slap you....fair warning.

^ Do you ever think blog-sphere is recreating your high school years?

^ ATL is full of Real Estate Agents trying to sell you a house. & they are clueless of the Webster dictionary definition of the word NO.

Dislikes/Likes*

Reasons it SUCKS to Live Alone...

1. Trash builds up if you don't take it out.
2. If you don't wash the dishes the crud really does stick to the dishes.
3. That 4 foot lump of clothes will not wash themselves.
4. Your allergies get worse as the inches of dust continue to rise.
5. Late nights - pillows can only do so much for a snuggle buddy.
6. Flight of stairs + 7 bags of groceries + 1 trip = SUCKS
7. Platinum can you learn to walk yourself?
8. Each time you walk into the kitchen dinner is still not cooked.
9. Refer to #1 (I hate taking out the trash, interviewing man-servants.)
10. A step-stool in a chair to change the light-bulb. (Potential uncoolness moment)
11. Having conversations with yourself. On a regular basis. And you respond.
12. Parents question often "When are you getting a boyfriend? Been on a date recently? Whatever happened to?"
13. No one waiting for me.
14. Eating dinner alone.
15. Cooking for one.
16. You hide your liquor when your alki friends come over.

Reasons it is AWESOME to Live Alone...

1. You can walk around in the nude.
2. The shit in the fridge is yours. And yours alone.
3. Lack of snoring. @ least you can't hear yourself.
4. If you don't feel like making up the bed...who is going to complain? You?
5. 3 am. Thirsty. Standing in front of the fridge downing Apple juice from the bottle. Priceless.
6. Walking through the door after work. Peace. Quiet. Peace.
7. No unwelcomed arguments. You don't have a dog in that fight!
8. Privacy. See #1.
9. Clean house. If you decide to clean @ 2.30 am...who cares?
10. No one tells you who can visit and when.
11. Your ears. Your mood. Your music.
12. Bathroom is yours. All yours. As long as you want. Hello 90 minute bath.
13. Reading for hours @ a time without feeling guilty.
14. Taking a nap whenever you want.
15. Your shoe count, your clothes, your shopping is your business.
16. Dancing your ass off without a brah thinking his part of the show. Priceless.
17. You can cry while watching talk shows, movies, commercials and/or sitcoms without someone asking "Why are you crying?"
18. Female needs--unmentionables--left wherever without questions.
19. All 8 pillows are yours!
20. You control the remote.

* I have lived alone since 19. So I am a little skewed when it comes to this topic.

Do you have your own list? Want to add more? Tell me I am neurotic and selfish? Feel free to add!

How do you let the pain slip away

Does it ever leave

Does it ever ease

My heart yearns for someone to love

But never someone who feels the same

I look for you, but you never come

I’m looking for someone to love

Why can’t you be here with me now?

When my heart is in so much pain

My life never seems to ease

There is always some form of pain

Pain that never seems to ease

I’m yearning for someone to love

So where are you?