Trust. Always has been hard for me. It goes back to elementary school. I was a Latchkey kid who depended on an older brother to have the key. Who knew the older brother was the making of a juvenile delinquent. I remember coming home from school and locking myself in the space between the screen door and the condo door and my mother finding me that way. Asleep. Or ripping the rubber lining out of the windows to break in. I learned then I could never depend on him. And years later after he has given up his delinquent ways, I still do not trust him to be there for me. I just cannot. It wasn't that he was not there after school. It was proven over and over. Often I question if I am holding him to a standard that he can never meet. But with his new life of finding and embracing the Lord I am left in the cold because I do not conform to his beliefs. One extreme to the other. Still no trust.
I start with all of this to explain when my trust issues began but did not end.
Whether it is in my social life, workplace or family environments I experience trust issues. Most days it is a battle day to day to choose how much I reveal, speak about or share. I know that all of those words are synonyms however I view each one differently.
Reveal = basic information that will maybe or maybe not give you enough to ask more questions
Speak = have conversations dealing with hot topics, feelings regarding the situation, or share an opinion
Share = give you a piece of me
What I have realized there are not a lot of people like me out there. It is usually two out of three. Or maybe one. I have all three.
Some days I wish I could be open and allow people into my world. Where I can shake off the words. Not feel like I am alone. Or shake of the request to assist and have been deserted. I have attempted. Yet I always take situations the wrong way if you listen to others. When I find people who poke fun, or make statements that are demeaning with the information I am sharing I shut down. Good luck turning me on again with you. But it is not just that.
I have found through my short 33 years that people are fickle and shun or demean others who are not alike. I have never been alike.
...to be continued...
1 comment:
This is beautiful writing. I stumbled upon this as a fellow Gemini. It's hilarious that I can relate to everything you wrote. As though I completely forget who I am in the concepts you've written. Perhaps the only common ground we truly share is that of confusion but trust issues in people keep me from progressing with others. Progression with others is something I value very highly as it keeps life intriguing to share adventures. However if I find reasons as to something or someone as detrimental, then I can't and won't trust them. I'd love to read more that you write to somehow isolate this issue that controls my personality.
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