My Pain

Last week I lost someone who I loved more than I knew.  She was with me when I moved out (or rather didn't move with the folks) and got my own place at 19.  She was with me when he left me again and again.  He gave her to me.  She was there when I had surgery.  When Grandma Minnie died.  When Buttercup died.  When Great-Grandma died.  She was there when that man came into my apartment.  She was there when I dropped my basket.  When I finally graduated.  She was there.  Happy for me.

There where days when I talked so much shit about her.  She couldn't understand where to go pee.  She liked to knock over my drinks so she could have some.  Leftovers, a favorite.  Out of the trash can.  Kicking me in the middle of the night because I moved and she lost her position in the bed.  My favorite pillow.  Waking me up at 2 am to go to the bathroom.  Separating me from anyone sitting on the sofa by kicking them.

She was the greatest.

I had to let her go.  I do not know the day, my family took care of that.  What I do know that she is not her with me.  And I miss her more than I thought I would.

Everyday is a struggle to get up and go to work.  To eat. To behave as if my life is normal.  I want her to be behind me.  Me talking to her to tell her where to go because she was completely blind.  Picking her up because steps bothered her.

I want my best friend back.  I want to hear her nails on the hardwood.  Watch her run into walls, furniture and anything in her path.  I want to feel her nose at night as she searches me out to make sure I am still there.  The scratching noise she makes at my parent's bedroom door because she loves their room!  Watching her maneuver my parents property blind from the back and make it to the front.  Hopping around in the rain because she hates rain!

The neurotic, loving, insufferable, lovable, moody and beautiful American Cocker Spaniel is physically not with me.

My heart will never let her go.