Tired...

of when people meet me & spend time talking with me they say I am spoiled. And right of the bat I get defensive. Defensive I guess because they only look at the outside package. When in public I am a well put together person. Fly. Chic. It looks like I shop every week. (Actually I learned a long time ago how to take care of my clothes. Still have clothes from a decade ago that look good.) What they do not recognize is that I have learned how to wear the mask. I get the mask wearing from 1 of my 2 favorite writers...the Incredible Paul Laurence Dunbar.

As a female, as a Black Woman, as a pigmentally challenged female I have often had to wear the mask. As many of you do. My mask is no different. While situations, society, economics, and locations may have played a role in the reason, our mask is no different. We wear it to hide who we are, to hide our trigger points, our hurts, our pains, our feelings of ineptness. We wear the mask.

As I said, lately I have been receiving the spiel of "You are spoiled". And I am sick & tired of it. I am not. I know that I am loved. I know that there are people in my life that will be there for me even when they believe my decisions or life choices are not good. But I am not spoiled.

Maybe the defensiveness comes from feeling like the invisible child growing up. I can honestly say it is not the middle child syndrome because by the time my sis came along I was a teenager & the baby of the family. It was because of the dysfunction of my brother & my parents in their dealings with them. Their focus for most of my tender years was directed @ my brother because he was such a dysfunction. (Better now. Proud of him.) And I bought into the game. He became my problem although he was 5 years older. Whatever. I learned early on to take my claim. Not loudly. I created a role, a place where it was about me & only me. More times than not I was the only person in that world.

I believe people say I am spoiled because I am very adamant about what you can say to me, how you can talk to me, the tone, & what I will not put up with. I learned all of this the old fashion way. I earned.

I earned every nuisance that makes me The Moody Gemini.

I earned the right to say on the weekends I will not answer the phone before 10am.

I earned the right to say I will have my "me time."

I earned the right to say I will not date just to be dating. I have already been in love. I know BS from the real thing. Come better.

I earned the right to say I will not be apart of dysfunction.

I earned the right to say spending my weekend @ every club in the city is not the way I roll.

I earned the right to say although you are my parent-I am an adult & you will not speak to me in that manner.

I earned the right to say I have expectations. You should get some. Then maybe you won't be so mad @ life.

I earned the right to say if you don't get me that's a personal issue. I don't live for you.

I earned the right to believe I chart on my own course (with the help of God). Your influence does not register. It will be taken into consideration.

I earned the right to say this is how I want it. Everyone should get what they want. Or at least fight for it. If you don't get it @ least you know you tried.

I earned the right to not open the door when you show up unannounced. Did you call & see what I had planned? If I had company?


My life has not been a bed of roses. And I know I am not alone. But just because I am deciding to rise above the ashes. To become the Phoenix Rising amongst all of the chaos does not mean you can categorize me.

Perhaps you should try to understand me. Or learn from my experiences.

But what you should not do is judge me.