All I know right now @ this minute...she is gone.
The jacked up part about losing her is that it took a long time to find her. A large part of my life was focused on my family. I am the fixer. That tree you lean on to catch your breath. That's me. In response to being that 200 year old Oak Tree my life took a backseat.
This not a sob, woe is me story. It is what it is. My teenage years were spent preventing my brother from self-destruction and helping my Mommie with my babygirl. I am sure others have had it harder. But with my loyalist personality I will sacrifice my will and happiness to guarantee yours. Not the best policy but it was all I knew.
When I found her it was after I dropped my basket. (See The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood). I had to rebuild. I had to discover who and what I am. Hard road to travel down but worth ever bit. She was awesome.
What I learned...
No longer was I that angry girl. The snapping turtle who wore ever emotion not only on the sleeve - but the entire body. I had feelings of love. I could actually love.
It was okay to leave my brother to his own devices. After all he is the oldest. He would survive.
That I had a mischievous and adventurous side. I began to adopt the motto "I will try anything once." I did, sometimes 3 & 4 times to make sure.
I embraced my passion for reading and writing. No longer worried about my friends who thought I was weird.
Pleasing myself first would only have a positive affect on the people in my life. Not seen as selfish.
I was funny. Dry humor. But funny.
And the most important...I loved myself.
Hate my feet---------> Started wearing open toe shoes. (You can't get me out of my flip-flops)
Was told no one respected a woman with short hair---------->cut it off. (Will probably do it again soon.)
Hated my pale skin so I turned to tanning beds--------> Stopped the tanning beds. Love me or leave me.
My faults are just that. Mine not yours. If I want to change them - my own time, my own reason.
She is gone now. I am working on finding her. Trying not to drop the basket again.
I want her back.
2 comments:
I definitely can identify with this post. Looking back I too wonder where the old me went. I hate the fact that I took on so many of my family and friends problems. In total vain @ that. After I embraced the love of readin and writing I was able to make better sense of it. And lose myself in order to find myself.
You are a nice looking sista. Compliment.
Thanks for the compliment. And it is definitely nice to know I ma not the only one.
Post a Comment